Thursday, 17 November 2016

Fuck it

don't need you but i want you. And I still love you. I fucked another guy but he wasn't you. I spent the whole time remembering YOUR body and YOUR eyes. Those blue eyes that meet mine and light up every fibre of my being. I spent this whole week getting over you, yet the moment i see you bam. 7 days turns into 7 seconds. I want more than you can give and you hate aspects of me. But you are you and i am me. And there is a reason for me to still be feeling this way. To crave your touch, not in a sexual way but just your arms around me. The shivers your voice brings. Your hands. God your hands. They make me feel warm and safe and secure even when they are across the room. Yet. Yet. You have become unattainable to me. You sit like a jewel in a box that i can never touch. Only stand from afar and gaze at. And i love you. I will continue loving you, even if from afar, despite what my head says. Despite the heartbreak. Because that is love. And fuck it I love you


Today I had sex with a man I do not love
All the while
Thinking about a man who does not deserve my love;
nor does he wish to have it
Yet here I lay
With only thoughts of that lost love
Refusing the love being offered

Sex is not love
Love is not sex
Love is him

Saturday, 21 February 2015


Lying has become such a day to day thing in our lives that we don't even really recognize that what we are doing is lying. We convince ourselves that it's not a big deal. It's to protect someone. It's better in the long run. However we can never be sure that the truth won't come out. People slip up. Others can tell the difference between a lie and the truth. We always forget about that part. And then what happens? You try to cover up your tracks? You try to reason with the person you lied to, make them see that it isn't really a big deal? We are so caught up in our own lies that when they come to light we deny as much as inhumanly possible. We lash out. Accuse of not being trusted. What we forget is that trust isn't something that is given, it must be gained. You better work damn hard for that trust because once you lose it.... God knows how long it will take to gain it back and even if you do, I can guarantee that it will never be the same. Lying doesn't only hurt the people around you, it hurts relationships, it hurts emotions, and it hurts yourself. A person can only take being lied to so many times until they no longer are able to trust. It's not even being lied to by one person over and over, it's all of the past lies and hurts from the past. Eventually one views liars as the worst. The scum of the earth. Especially when the person who has lied time and time again is the one who you thought you could trust. Who you told everything to. The person who you laid down your heart for. Once you see all of those lies come to light, your mind goes blank. Your body feels numb. You can already feel the bile coming up your throat. All you can think of is 'I don't want to waste anymore gas on you'. On the drive home your mind is full of 'God I wish you lived closer'. You get back home, you crawl into bed without even turning on the light. You sit in that quiet darkness and wish that the liar would do something to try and prove that they are worth one more try. Even then, you are still numb. Your sobs don't even sound human anymore, you have turned into a inhuman something who is releasing its last dying cries. You want to feel anything, who cares what. You search for that knife that you know is in the room. The one that you haven't touched in over a month and you were pretty damn proud of that. When you finally find it, it greets your skin like an old friend. You look at the mess of what you have done and this just brings out the tears again. Except this time they are not loud and hard. No, these are even worse. These tears are quiet, slow, never ending. You don't even realize you've started again until you feel a wet patch on your shirt. These tears do not stop. These are the tears that keep coming until you fall asleep. These tears kept coming even after you fade into the darkness. These tears are the first thing that you taste in the morning. These are the tears that will haunt you and you know will come again.